I have a Disease

i have a disease. i've been having it for as long as i can remember. a disease. i can feel it in me. sometimes strong sometimes weak. it reacts to my emotions. it reacts to my movements. it's uncontrollable. it grows. it feeds. it takes over. the disease takes over.

it craves for things. it craves for easy. it craves for all things easy. it craves for life and death and winning and losing and being at the highest and falling to the lowest. it is a disease. it eats me consumes me devours me. i fight it but i lose. every time i fight it i lose. i am weak. weaker than the disease. weaker than myself. weaker than my inheritance. i give up. but i still fight it. every time it takes over i fight it. i eat it back. i consume it back. i devour it back. i lose.

it controls me. it makes me say and think and do as it sees amusing. it feeds on my weakness. it feeds on the people around me. it is big. i am afraid of it. i avoid it whenever possible. i stop going to places that will feed it. i stop seeing people that will feed it. i stop saying things and doing things and thinking things that will feed it. i can't avoid everything. i lose to the disease.

it feeds on many things. it feeds on pride and glory and honor and money and ego and anger and help and love and hate and help and more help. it feeds on compassion and chances and more chances. it devours me. it consumes me. it takes over me. it controls.

i have a disease.

fucking disease.

i hate them all. i hate pride and glory and honor and money and anger and ego and help and love and help and more help. i hate compassion and chances and more chances. i hate them all everything that feeds the disease. it has nothing but it has everything to lose. it gives nothing but takes everything. it kills me. it kills itself. but it get stronger each time it kills me and itself. it eats itself and it grows. it grows and it grows. bigger and stronger. sometimes weakened by me but most of the time it wins.

the disease cannot take over. it cannot win. it cannot cannot cannot win. it's in me. i feel its strength. it can strangle ten men to death and it doesn't blink. it has no compassion but it takes all compassion. it has no love but it takes all love. it has no ego but it takes all ego. it craves ego. it needs ego.

its here in me. its here when i get angry. it feeds on rage and it generates tenfold of rage back into me. its here when i throw something. it feeds on strength and it generates tenfold of rage back into me. its here when i feel pain. it feeds on pain and it generates tenfold of rage back into me. it uses the rage to control and consume and devour me. it uses the rage to make me move and talk and do. like a marionette. like a fucking marionette.

it is selfish it is egoistic it is greedy it is evil evil evil. it does not sleep. ever. it waits for me to sleep and it feeds on me. my soul my joy my ambition and honor my dignity my bliss. everything. it takes all good and returns me all bad. it gives no attention yet seeks endless and boundless attention.

i need to kill it. i need to put it in a cell. i need to shut it up. i listen to music loud so it drowns it's voice in my head. i scream at it to keep it in its place. but it plays with my head. it makes me believe there's always good in the world. it makes me believe there are nice people and good people and honest people in the world. it makes me believe i can achieve the things i want in my life. and when i am hit by cold hard reality i fall. it feeds on my weakness. it thrives and grows and gets stronger.

people ask and i ignore. people talk and i ignore. people wonder and i ignore.

i ignore

i ignore

i fucking ignore.

i've been fighting. i fought and i fight. i will continue to fight. fight until its over. fight until its done. i will fight until the disease dies. the disease puts a beautiful picture in my head. flowers and birds and smiling people and friendly people and nice people. it wants me to fall. it wants to consume me again. i will take this picture. i will live by this picture. and i will fall. and i will stand up. again and again. again and again and again. i will stand up. and i will fall. and i will stand up. i will fucking fall again and again. and i will fucking stand up again and again and again.

i don't want help. i cannot get help. the disease knows. it will consume it and consume me. i don't want to be with anyone. i cannot be with anyone. the disease knows. it will consume them and consume me. it's dangerous. it's deadly. the disease kills and consumes. i hear stories and talks and speculations and whispers. i ignore them. i fucking ignore them all. i don't need the talk and the stories and the speculations. i don't need the people saying them and thinking them and hearing them. i will kill the disease myself. with a gun and a sword and an ax and a car and a sledge hammer. i will kill the disease.

it is not depression it is not a mood swing it is not an emotional breakdown it is not stress. i cannot take a break from it. i will not take a break from it. i shall not take a break from it. it consumes and it destroys and it devours and it does not take a break. it is evil it is the worst it is the deep darkness that is darker than fucking jet black. it is foul smelling and it is dangerous and it is deadly and it is fucking fucking fucking evil. it is cold ice cold it does not have a beating heart it uses mine.

stupid. i'm so stupid. all these years and i can't control the disease. all these years and i've only managed to make it grow in me. i cannot think. when i think i breakdown. when i think i fall. when i think i stop to move. i cannot think. i can only believe in the picture and go toward it. that's all i can do. i cannot think. i cannot stop to think. i cannot fucking ever stop to think. stupid. weak. pathetic. useless. weak. fucking weak. its true. someone used all those words on me when i was younger. used them a lot. its true. stupid. weak. pathetic. useless. weak. fucking weak.

do not judge. do not put words. do not speak. do not ask. do not judge. there's a disease in me and do not ask and do not judge. if you have to talk and judge and talk do not let me hear of it. i need to kill this disease this strong and deadly darker than jet black disease alone.