I was listening to a discussion in Clubhouse today, and they were talking about the thing they fear the most in life and how they managed to overcome it.
Many talked about how the things they feared the most which kept them from progressing, and what they did to overcome them and eventually managed to move forward in life.
I don’t remember when it happened, but I eventually lost track of the discussion and went into my own head. What was it that I feared the most in life which kept me from moving forward? I know what it was. Disappointment.
In everything I do, I was very afraid of disappointing the people around me. Maybe it was because I’ve always been a disappointment my entire childhood. I was never good at anything, and my parents couldn’t brag about me to the relatives. Everyone else were overachievers, and me, I’m just an all-round loser.
I’ve always avoided taking up responsibilities or being in the limelight because I was afraid I will disappoint everyone. At work, I never wanted to take up jobs for friends and family. I only take jobs from strangers so when I do disappoint them, it wouldn’t matter as much.
Often times I would even beat myself to the ground before everyone started giving feedback on my lack of performance. I was my own harshest judgement.
One time I was recommended by a friend into a company. After only 4 months, I decided to leave the company. I told everyone I didn’t want to travel into the city to work. But part of me, if I was being honest with myself, didn’t want to disappoint that friend in the eyes of his colleagues.
All of my past relationships failed because I eventually felt the disappointment my partners had on me, and decided that I didn’t want to waste their time anymore.
I never really got out of this fear, actually. I’m still avoiding many things because I am afraid I would disappoint the people around me. So I prefer to just stand in the shadow and let opportunities pass me by. Many people say failures will make us stronger, but it isn’t true. Some failures break you and make you believe that you are not meant for anything great. So you decide to be content with mediocrity.
That is my greatest fear.
