What Goes On In My Head

Sometimes I sit in a corner, quiet. People come up to me and ask 'Hey what you doing? Why so stoned? Why so anti-social?'

So I will tell you what I am, most of the time, thinking about. 

Sometimes I think about how I would turn out if I was in a war-torn country. Will I be as bitchy as I am now (as of recent days a few of us have come out with a term to label male bitches: Mitches)? Will I be such a drama king? Would I pick up a gun and kill someone? Will I kill my parents just so I get to live? Is life that important? Is human's survival instinct so strong that one will kill even the ones he/she loves in order to stay alive? 

I don't know. Because I'm not living in a war-torn country. I can't judge, I can't label, because I don't know the first thing about what these people have to go through. 

Sometimes I think about pain. I think about how much pain a person can bear before he/she passes out. How much pain a person can bear before he/she dies. Sometimes I think about drowning, about free falling. Sometimes I think about being beaten to death. The question I would always ask is 'at what point does one give up fighting?' 

I have been beaten before, but not to anywhere near death. And I've been bound and beaten before. The latter is more humbling. I drowned before, and in that instance there is absolutely nothing I could do but pray. Heck, I didn't even have the bloody mood to pray. But that was just me. I've fallen before. Falling is both the fastest and the slowest occurring moment in a person's lifetime. People who've fallen would know what I mean. 

Sometimes I would think about what I would say right before getting myself beaten up. Because sometimes, just sometimes, it's cooler to go down fighting than whimpering like a coward. This is what I would say:

If you're gonna beat me up, make sure you kill me. If you can't kill me, run. Run as fast as you can and as far away as you can. If I find you, prepare yourself a coffin cos I ain't gonna buy you one. 

I can always imagine myself saying these awesome words to my killer right before he pump my head full of lead. But I know reality won't be the same. I know I'd piss my pants and be crying for mercy like a fucking coward. But it doesn't hurt to imagine. 

Sometimes I'd think about confronting someone who owes me money. He would be an epic retard and try to twist the story around to make it sound as if I actually owe him more than he owes me. You know what I'd say? I'd say this:

Here's two sacks of sand. Take it, and run. Before I finish this cigarette, I want you to disappear from my sight. If I find you, you better have the two sacks of sand with you, because I'll need to cover you with them when I'm done with you. 

But I can't do one most important thing in that statement: finish the cigarette. Because I haven't been smoking for a little over a year now. And I don't think I'll ever get back to it. So this means 70% style point has already gone out the window even before I started the sentence. Okay I admit, part of this epic statement I stole from an old Bollywood movie. 

Sometimes I'd try to figure out why people would love to hate each other so much, and why would people need to place themselves in smaller groups of 'elites' so they can actually feel good about themselves. Then I realized that people need to hate. We need to take a side, in everything we do - In politics, in religion, even in existence. So I think the only way for us to be united is if we have a greater enemy. It could be an alien invasion or a killer virus or vampires and werewolves. 

Sometimes I would wonder why is it so hard for us to be ourselves and do what we really want to do because it would make us happy? Why is it that we need to live for other people, make other people happy, be accepted by other people? We don't live their lives. They don't live ours. It's because No Man Is an Island. And because of that every man/woman needs to be a part of society. This means we will all need to conform to certain rules of conduct, and this varies according to how high up to First World scale a society is in. Some find it sacrilegious to smoke cigarettes in front children, while some think peeing by the road side is normal. 

So these are some of the rubbish that go through my head when I'm sitting in a corner all by myself. I'm not an anti-social person, sometimes I am so sociable you'd wish me dead. I may be planning world domination or a drug that can create zombies or a way to kill all humanity. Or I could be planning my dinner, or what to wear for tomorrow's Ball, or what to say if I was his best man.