Around you people die. Around you people fall sick. People catch colds and get hit by trucks and fall off buildings. They leave behind them families, children, parents, friends. They leave behind them troubles and unfinished businesses. You stand still. You do what everyone does, and yet you feel that somehow you will not be harmed. You want to believe you're the chosen one, the Wolverine with incredible healing powers or the Batman who can never seem to die. But you're not. None of us are.
One day you go to the hospital and the doctor says you might have caught a killer virus, a ferocious cancer growth, the damaged kidney. One day when you're driving happily you're hit by a truck and the next thing you know you've lost all your limbs. And you lie there in bed, in disbelieve. You don't know how to react.
In the movies, people cry. In the movies, people lose their temper and start screaming out. In the movies families know exactly what to say and friends are always there to make you feel better. No. Not this time. This time you have no idea what to do. You can't cry, you can't scream. Your families are nowhere to be seen, and your friends keep saying the wrong things over and over again.
The doctor lays out the possible treatments you can take. He looks at you and asks you how you feel. You say "I feel.... nothing". Numbness. Everything around you is a blur. Things happen and you can never catch up with it. You got nobody to talk to about this. You're lost. Blur. Too fast. Words don't register. You stare into blank space, and nothing happens in your head. Your hands. They tremble. Your breath. They tremble. You curl up into a fetal position, hoping to gain a little comfort. It doesn't come to you. You punch walls to remove the numbness. It doesn't go away.
Then you look at people around you, living normal lives, and you want to get back to that life. You miss it. You can't believe that one small mistake can lead to such a catastrophic disaster. You refuse to accept what has happened to you. You'd sleep every night, dream of waking up all normal again, and then waking up to a damaged body. Denial. You'd always wake up to a crippled you, a wrecked you. They say crying helps, but no tears would come out. They say screaming out loud helps. You stuff a pillow onto your face and you scream into the pillow. It helps, but only very slightly. They say drinking drowns your sorrows, but it will always come back once you sober up again. No. NO. NO! This is NOT happening to me! NO FUCKING WAY!!!
Rage takes over. You keep losing your temper, even at the smallest things. People around you will start keeping a distance because they don't understand you and they have no idea what is happening to you. You explode. You find it hard to keep a straight and objective thought. You can't control it. The fire inside. The need to deal damage. The need to scream and throw things around and see everything around you burn to the ground. Sanity hangs by a thin thread. One minute you know what you're doing, and the other you lose everything. Why? Why the fuck is this happening to ME?! WHY? It repeats in your head. It rewinds and it replays. The last moments replay and replay and replay. It haunts the fuck out of you. WHY not HIM?! Why NOT HER?!! WHY ME?!
Sanity seeps back into your head. Slowly. Steadily. You finally regain a little bit of consciousness. You see again. You hear again. The true gravity of the situation finally weighs in on you. It's heavy. You can't breathe. Then you can breathe again. Then you can't again. You begin to think now. God may be able to help. You start striking deals with HIM. You ask for a short rewind, and in return you devote your life to helping His devotees. You promise to be vegan if. You promise to change if. Just one chance. ONE. Chance.
Nothing works. You're still the same. Times are hard. You feel useless and you've lost all dignity. You'd rather die a hero than to live a helpless shit. Google SUICIDE. Google DROWNING. Google POISONING. Some may lead you to God's doors. Some may enlighten you on some really good ways to die. There's no point in living anymore. You distance yourself from family and friends. You make them hate you. It would be easier for them to let go of someone they hate. Sometimes you would sit in the car for hours long, engine running, thinking if you should stuff a pipe from the exhaust into your cabin. Eternal sleep. Every night, you would pray for God to let you sleep and never wake up. Eternal sleep. You stand by the railroad for a while. You think. You contemplate. You consider. You take one step. Suddenly voices echo in your head. It was your mom. She called you. We're here, son. Don't do it. You turn around and walk away.
After a few attempts, a thought strikes. If you're gonna die anyway, why not make the best of what little life you have left before you go? Exit with a bang. Don't waste it by just leaving so soon. Since you're gonna die anyway. Better to enjoy until the time comes. Then you start to see. The sun. It peeks behind the most majestic mountain range in the world. It floods the ice caps gold. The sea. The waves crashing onto white sand stretching miles long. Pastel blue lakes. The jungles green from afar. The trees taller than any building known. Rich dark soil. Birds. Crickets. Monkeys. Lovers laughing, babies crying. The deafening cascade of the waterfall. The calm river afterwards. Rebirth.
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