About Me

Life's about expectations. Expectations set by family, friends, society, employers and yourselves. Life's all about living up to them. I've never been able to live up to my parents' expectations. But then again my parents never had much expectations for me. I study, but could never do much. I was never that good in sports. But I was good at staying invisible. 

By 13 I enrolled myself into an organization that thrive highly on expectations and meeting them. There I learnt the importance of common sense and society's demands for any good Samaritan. I had trouble being out of invisibility. Responsibilities and consequences, I didn't know what they meant. 

In time, it was second nature to me. I would learn about what it takes to be a leader and a follower, and talker and a listener. What would be the correct action for any situation. When some things have to be done, they have to be done. There are no such things as excuses if it's not done. Before I knew it, I was already a person with expectations, not set by anyone else around me but by myself. I always know what I want and I always want to get it. No excuses. 

I got myself involved in little cyber gaming groups with some friends, and all I wanted to be is the best. The best, the best, the best. I now learnt that I am a competitive person. I destroyed so many mice the cyber cafe owner banned me from using any of his. Desperately competitive. Everything I do, I wanted to be the best. There's no place but the top. I'd always tell my team mates: Don't look, be looked at. Don't talk about, be the talk-about. 

Year after year passed, I set expectations higher than I knew I could ever achieve. I wanted High Distinctions for every single paper I sat for in college. I wanted to be The Best Climber in Malaysia. It was too much for me. I lost track of the actual purpose of studying, to learn and prepare for the world, and chose to study the lecturer's mind and giving him/her exactly what he/she wants. It gets me what I wanted, but not what I'm supposed to be getting. 

Every time I climb, I would tell myself: If this was a competition I'd only have one try at it. One. When I fall halfway, I would punish myself for my incompetence. You're weak!!!!!!! F**king weak ass!!!!! At this rate you can NEVER be number 1! NEVER! Words will constantly repeat itself in my head. I will not settle for second place. I cannot keep falling off of walls. I needed to stick every handhold like it was a jug and move. Every move has to be fluid. Every route MUST be cleaned. On Sight! No excuses! I'm not tired! I'm not hungry! I don't feel pain! My fingers are NOT bleeding! 

I thought the only way to make sure I clean every single route on first try is by punishing myself when I don't. I break more skin punching the wall than climbing it. I would scream, yell, destroy things. Sometimes even remove safety mats from below me so if I fell it'd be straight to the ground. MUST MUST CLEAN!!! YOU WEAK LOSER!!!!!! NO F**KING EXCUSES!!!!!! 
Come to think of it, it was actually quite stupid. I wondered how my friends looked at me back then. 

Fine, I became good. Very good. I was always hitting new national standings, scaring route setters and other climbers. They'd talk they'd point and they'd judge. But I got what I wanted. No I didn't. I lost it all. Climbing became work. It wasn't fun anymore. One day I punched the wall after I fell off and broke my hand. I was out for 2 months. After my return, I officially retired from competitions. 


Now I look back, I was an angry idiot. It has been years since then, and my constant motto now is to 'Rise Above' everyone else and the petty feelings they have. I can say I'm doing quite well, given my past. But I don't think it's really that good, though. Now I get bullied at work, and I would just walk away. These things done onto me may jeopardize my reputation, but still I choose to walk away. I'm beginning to lose the perspective of expectations. I'm beginning to forget who I am. Sometimes it all comes back. Not always when I need it to, sadly. I need my fire back. I need to be angry again.