For Once

For once I want to celebrate my stupidity. I want to be able to look back at all the shit I've done wrong, however bad, smile at them, and let myself know it's not that bad. I want to be able to tell people how stupid I was, how stupid I am, and how stupid I can always become in the future. Because I am me.  Let me be as stupid as I want to be. 

For once I want to celebrate my arrogance. However little I have I want to be able to tell people I'm actually good at something. I may not be the best, but being good is enough to earn bragging rights. Let me talk about these things. Let me be happy for me. Let me look down on people. Let me spit at people. Let me laugh at people. Let me be arrogant and proud. 

For once I want to be a douche. I want to fire and forget. I want to do things and not think of the consequences and just move on. I want to forget I have a family and not live my life for the family. I want to get whatever I want, be whatever I want, become whatever I want, and not think about the effects of them. I don't want to think about everyone else's feelings anymore. I want to start thinking of myself for just this once. Let me be an ass to everyone around me and not be bothered. 

For once I want to be alone. Let me be free of labels and stigma and fear and discrimination and hate. Let me be the only Man in the world. Let me be free of judgement. Of cock-stares. Let me be in peace. Leave me the fuck alone. No noise. No talking. No back-stabbing. No rumors. No gossips. 

For once I want to be like my father. Let me be irresponsible. Let me be abusive. Let me be a dick. Let me rage whenever I want to at whatever I want to. Let me kill. Let me beat up anybody I want. Let me spend all my money without any guilt, buy anything just because I want to. Let me be the one taking money from everyone instead of giving, despite me making the most in my family.

For once I want to drink. Let me smoke up. Let me chase. Let me trip. Let me see colorful paintings on the walls melting. Let me wake up to another day like the one before, always seeing paintings on the walls melting. 

For once I want to dig my nose in public. Let me fart the silent killer in the lift. Let me sit with my legs raised in the restaurant. Let me drive on the wrong side of the road. Let me sit in the corner of the house I don't own and dream of being a zombie-slayer. Let me not need medication to stay alive. Let me take food off of stalls without paying. Let me screw that neighbor's hot wife and not need to pay.

For once I want to have the parking lot I want, whenever I want it. Let me have green light on all the roads I pass through, when I pass through them. Let me have red light whenever I want to send a text message. Let me have whoever I want whenever I want. Let there be traffic jam when I want to be late and no traffic jam when I'm rushing. 

For once I want to feel alive. Let me do the things I think is right at that time, no matter how silly and idiotic they actually are. Let me have no remorse, no fear, no regrets. No books to tell me what I should and shouldn't do. No need to earn respect of anyone. No need to be good at anything. 

For once I want to die in that little corner of the back alley of a druggie-infested street. Let me go without having to think what would my family think of me, what would my friends think of me. Let me not have a proper burial. Let me have none of it. Let me rot into nothingness and let nobody miss me.