The Awakening

The chime. The wind moves and this little chime lets lose a short burst of orchestra. Again. And again. They all sound the same, so they all bring me back to the same memory. That of the days when problems were smaller, but seemed like everything I could ever not bear. That spot where I'd always go to seek temporary escape from the confinements of social conformity. I'd smoke, I'd smoke up. Nobody knows, nobody sees, nobody hears. Nobody but the select few of us.

I hear sound of crashing waves. I see the sun through palms desperately trying to block it's rays from me. Their shadows dancing on white sand. Nobody as far the eye can see. A bowstave, white, silent save the crashing waves. A hammock is a beautiful companion, a book beams you to an alternate reality. A gust of wind would ruffle the leaves above. Sometimes I think it was the rain, but it was just the wind ruffling leaves above me.  

Rain is beautiful. It cleanses, it washes away the dirt. Grey clouds reflect the world's true state of mind. Tick and tock they tap on the tin roof. Tick and tock they tap on gravel. The way it is accompanied by an angry mob of storm winds, swaying trees and raging rivers. Then it would end in a calm and still lake, a mirror reflecting the sky. It smells pure, it smells like acid being removed from the world. It smells like the cleansing of evil. 

Smells warm. Smells calm. Smells like the past, the times when everything you ever cared about is what to do tomorrow. Smells like a snooker center, the One Dollar coins cascading into horse machines, the crackling of clove cigarettes, of pool balls crashing onto each other. That distant buzz of a defected fluorescent lamp. Smells like that cheap whiskey you just puked out by the road side. Smells like mint and pepper in that rolled up joint. Smells like a stagnant room of old and stale cigarette smoke in the air. Smells like the soggy carpet below, never been washed. 

Close your eyes. It will make you see. It will show you the true world. On the fourth floor of that car park, with a six-pack. Rewind. Turn that dial back and feel it click and click and click. As it goes, feel it tighten. When it cannot be turned any further, release that dial and see everything come to life. A complete rerun of your life, what happened and who you met. How you managed to survive every single hardship thrown at you and how you always managed to stay on course. You see with your eyes, but they are not your guide. They betray you. 

Cry. Laugh. Scream. Love. Hate. Embrace existence. Embrace consciousness. Feel while you can, enjoy the good enjoy the bad. It will end soon, for all of us. This is one thing we all have that we cannot change. It doesn't matter if you're the most influential person in the world, the richest one ever lived. Touch that oil painting, look into your dog's eyes, listen to every instrument made in the history of man. See people. See yourself. See yourself in the eyes of people around you. See yourself in the eyes of your dog. Scream. Laugh. Love. Hate. Feel. Smell. Hear. See. 

Crime: Have a Seat

Crime rate sky-rockets here in KL. Some say it's caused by the Emergency Ordinance repeal which led to the release of some hardcore gangster into our streets and causing these havoc. Other theories may point to the long term economic imbalance that have finally led to desperate people taking desperate measures to survive (although I believe the need to rape someone is hardly considered a survival measure. There are donkeys). Some may say we are still one of the safest parts of the world, comparing to other worse-off countries. 

Political or not, shit has hit the fan and I don't think the police force have the capacity to protect us right now. And I'm not the kind of person who take comfort in comparing myself with unluckier ones. Not that I'm not grateful for what I have, I find it really selfish that I need someone else to be worse-off for me to feel good about myself. 

12 hours difference, we have a city - first world and all - witnessing a psycho riddling an entire cinema full of lead.  And this is the part of the world where people have, on average, the best standard of living, and kids curse at their parents over getting black iPhones instead of white ones for Christmas. It wasn't even the first time something like this happened. 

So on one side we have desperate people, struggling to survive, robbing and stealing (and raping) to make ends meet. And we have on the other side people so well-fed with everything they ever needed, they have nothing else to do but re-enact scenes from super hero comic strips. 

Then we have the middle - Europe - where people would specifically pickpocket tourists anywhere in the streets, because they prefer not to do it to their countrymen. Imagine the irony when tourism stimulates their collapsing economy. Well at least they don't gag you and rape you and throw you in the middle of the jungle.  

So what do we do? Besides the obvious - releasing the T-Virus and turning all humanity into mindless zombies. We protect ourselves because the police can't do it. Bolt the doors, lock the windows, look around you when walking, learn to scream, trust no one (especially not the ones in BMWs or equivalent), don't stop to help anyone, be home by 9PM. Don't eat alone, don't eat, don't buy new clothes, don't buy anything, bring less than RM 100 out at any given time. 

If you're a virgin, have sex with someone you like before you get raped. If you own a nice car, scratch it and replace the emblem with one of an inferior brand. Insure every damned thing you can, even your dog. If you live in a guarded community, buy the guards food every now and then so they won't rob your house. Lock your house when you go out. Lock it when you go in. 

Live in a jail cell. Forgo freedom. Forgo life. Set a curfew. Stock your kitchen with enough food to last you a month. Or two. Build a panic room. Build a panic room in your panic room. Build a proper toilet in that panic room. 

Sell your BMW, buy a 10-year old Hyundai Accent (if you really do want to, contact me). Learn MMA. But when approached by robbers, give them everything and don't attempt to fight back. You have more to lose than they do so MMA ain't gonna do you shit. 

Pray. Pray for either a Bay Harbor Butcher, a T-Virus or a police force competent enough to keep us safe. God won't save you. People will. But God won't hurt you either, people will. Move away from KL. Move away from crime. You can't because as long as there are people, there will be crime. There will be killing and raping and torturing and stealing and filling an entire cinema full of lead. There will be corruption and cronyism. There will be hate. There will be people taking comfort in knowing there are other people out there in far worse conditions than them.  So to Crime, I say: Have a seat, get comfy. You're here to stay as long as humanity draws breath. 

There Was Once A Famous Pomelo Tree

There was once a famous pomelo tree in Section 4. It was tall, it was great, it was quite a magnificent thing to behold. We'd meet at a very young age and we'd go on to become closest of friends. I jest when I said you were like the pomelo tree, never being able to grow taller than you already were. I jest a lot, whenever I can speak fluently without choking over every other word.

It was magnificent that the pomelo tree looked rather tall back then, with those big leaves. Not many leaves, but those still on the tree were big. Another reason why I kept relating the tree to you. But you took me for who I am, as I did for who you are. We made the best of our friendship with however little we had. It seems so that whenever the rain fell and the night felt bleakest, you were there. I know we all have our own problems to deal with and we can't always be there for each other. But the fact that you were always there comforted me.

It was funny now that I recall, I have never seen that pomelo tree bear fruit. It was either that or you never bothered to share the works of your tree with us. We'd sit in a coffee shop with the table full of empty glasses, comparing our dream cars and analyzing our future. We'd often laugh about how super cars are a complete waste to most people because they are either too old or too stupid to drive them like how they should be driven. We'd talk about how it would be like if we were rich, the amount of people we would piss off. And then we always agree that God is fair to keep us at the bottom of the food chain. "Wipe your face, you're sweating."

The good thing about it is that we will always walk from school to that little bus stop and wait for the bus. And we'd stand behind that telephone booth, right in front of the police station, smoking. The good thing about it is that we can sit around all day without having to do anything or spend any money, and still be able to have fun.

The pomelo tree is gone now. It signified your past, it is where you were from. It's passing is not a loss, but progress. You have learnt from what you did and where you came from, and you are preparing for a future that will allow the next generation to do the same. By letting the pomelo tree go, you are turning a new leaf, preparing for the next step in your life.

There was once a famous pomelo tree in Section 4, the tree that was our roots. You are embarking on your next journey now, and the only thing I can hope is that we can still be a part of it. Because this friendship is not of convenience or of similar interest. This is a friendship of deep understanding, and we both would agree that no money in the world can buy this kind of relationship.

I'm glad for what happened, for who I met. I'm glad to have met you, to have met that once famous pomelo tree, to have met everyone else strung around this web of brotherhood.

Here's To The Days

The days we were great, the days we loved, the days we were excited about every coming day, the days we couldn't be left without each other. Here's to the days when we were all smiles and all fun and play and we can't get enough of just staring at each other. 

Here's to the end of those days, here's to the end of the torture that came after the excitement. Here's to the mistakes we made, to the times we felt we fell short of each other's expectations. Here's to the shit we had to endure to make things work. To the lack of communication, to the lack of understanding. To wasting each other's time. To hating each other deep down inside but never had the guts to bring them forward. 

Here's to expectations. Here's to hoping one would live to them. Here's to constantly giving second chances, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, and never seeing change. To disappointments, hate, love, hate, disappointment, loss.  

Here's to the good times we had, the places we went although not many. Here's to the dreams we shared although very brief, the differences we had and how hard we tried to make it work. Here's to the boring times that turned out eventful after all, the little things we did that meant so much to me.  

 Here's to you wanting to prove you're right. Here's to you thinking I hate you. Here's to me not being able to explain why I shunned you off. To me not being able to live up to your dreams. Here's to you being able to find someone better, I'm sure it won't be hard seeing I was so low on your scale. 

Here's to the end of it. 

Here's to good-bye. 

Here's to an opportunity to be friends again, maybe, up to you. But not yet. 

Now That We're Here

Source: 

http://taotauajer.blogspot.com/2012/03/sadis-video-episod-akhir-doraemon-sad.html

A colleague of mine, he brought a Ukulele today. Immediately I thought of you. F is for Frolic through all the flowers, U is for Ukulele. N is for nose picking, chewing gum and sand licking here with my best buddy. 

But you weren't always a Spongebob fan. I remember we used to have all issues of Doraemon comic books. Back in the days an issue would come out every fortnight, and  we would go buy them from the nearby bookstore. The book store still looks the same today. You would read them, as if you know what they mean. Then you would draw on them. It made me mad when you drew on them. Because you would make happy characters sad or angry. You would give them silly brows that changes their emotions and it annoyed the hell out of me because these comic books were very limited. 

Mom bought a Doraemon video from the store, and you would always ask us to play it for you. Once you learnt how to operate the player by yourself, you would play it every morning at 8 AM. Every single day. You would sit in front of the tv and you would sing along and dance along. 

I remember you always wait for mom to come back from work. If she isn't home by 7PM you would call her office and cry for mom. Her boss would answer the phone all the time. 

A little while later you started getting fascinated with Garfield. There were comic strips you would cut off the daily papers, and you would make scrap books full of them. Then you started drawing them too. Initially it was tracing from actual comics, then you went on to making your own strips. I remember we made a frame for one of your comic drawings. If I only remember where it is kept now. 

Times were quite bad, and I don't know if you were aware of it. Mom and dad always fought. I tried my best to not let you see them. I would always carry you up to the room and lock ourselves inside. Then they eventually broke away from each other and you had to stay with mom on weekdays and us with dad. But that didn't lessen the fun we had. 

You were in high school, when things turned for the worst. Our family was an broken as it could ever be. Everybody hate going home because we would always have to deal with bitchy parents and fights and fights and more fucking fights we all hate. Your brother and I were outside hanging out with friends all the time so we didn't have to deal with those fights. We didn't have money. Dad fucked up. You started skipping school and smoking. You would hang out with the wrong bunch in the park and learn all the wrong stuff. And you did them just so we would notice you. So we did, the day you came home with all those cuts in your arms. You got our attention. 

After that things were good. Straight As, one year after another. You would know a lot of skanky friends, hang out with them, but never stoop to their level. Not even once. You knew how to return home to your family and you think of us before making any decision outside. We are all grateful for that. 

So you started to dream of things you wanted. When other materialistic girls wanted Burberries and Guccis and Pradas, you wanted llama farms and polar bears and pandas. Your fighting fishes were Doraemon and Rudolph.

Most girls dream of meeting Prince Charming who'll be very rich and give them everything they want. All you talk about is making money and buying your very own Impreza Version 10. We'd play RO together, although just very briefly I loved it. I hope we can do it more often even now when you are about to leave. 

I call you stupid not because you are stupid, but because you are silly. You would make mistakes, laugh at yourself, and let it go. That is something I have to learn from you. 

Look at you now. No longer the little girl with that red flowered dress with the sour face, no longer the round-rimmed glasses girl who looked like Jackie Chan's son. You are no longer insecure of your physical look, well not always. Your ears look just fine. Who would've thought someone in our family could afford a scholarship from a world-class university. 

Times will be tough from now on, but know that it will only be temporary. You will be alone, but you will never have to deal with things by yourself. We may be hundreds of miles away, but we will always be there for you, just like old times. No more weekend visits to Mid Valley, though. 

But chin up, this is for a brighter future. We will adapt, we always do. People reject everything in the beginning, but we always adapt. Go out and face it with everything you have. Things will get better and you will eventually love the new life you will have. 

You are the second best thing that happened to our family, second to our little doggy. 

Go and do the best you can. You are the best that ever came out of this family, and you will be better than anyone else can ever be.  You will open a new chapter in your book of life. You will pursuit a greater goal, and face a greater challenge. And you will succeed. What ever happens we are already very very proud of you.