I Found Me

3 months ago I found myself. Not in the same way as discovering my life purpose, but in the same way as being in a multiverse.

The me born in another city. The me raised by a functional family. The me who completed his university studies. The me who got a proper job. The me who manages to live the life of my dreams.

But he is still me. The me who struggled with many things in life, including holding a proper relationship. The me who beats himself up for not being good enough. The me who's afraid of hurting others so he'd rather deprive himself of the best he deserves.

From the moment we met, there was a strong sense of familiarity, safety, comfort. It was like I knew him for years. But there was more. I knew what he was thinking. He knew what I was thinking. We didn't talk much on our outings because we didn't need to say much. His eyes and expressions spoke to me.

I remembered a part of Sophie's World that talked about the most profound 'Strange Encounter'. It's not one where we meet an alien, but one where we meet ourselves. I remember recalling that feeling of seeing myself in him. It was as if I was looking into a mirror.

Over the weeks, I realised he started maintaining a distance from me. His initial warmth was replaced with controlled nonchalance. This confused me. I thought I knew him, but I thought I didn't really know him. Questions raced through my mind for days and weeks. Was I grasping for feelings that weren't there at all? Was I blinded by a sudden emotional surge? How could I be so careless to allow myself to be swept away like this? I knew better.

A quick research led me to this term. The Twin Flame. A sudden sense of familiarity, like you've known each other for a long time. Both people have so many things in common, it feels like they're destined to be together. But most articles and videos spoke of Twin Flames as the most perilous of relationships.

I am him, and he is me. That's what the Twin Flame describes. We share the same soul. We can read each other's body language. We know what each other's thinking. We share the same passion for music and travelling and experiences. But we also have the same flaws.

When we dig deeper as to why things some people do annoy us so much, it's usually because they remind us of us. This is the reason why Twin Flames cannot get together. We share the same weaknesses. As long as either of us have an unresolved shadow, we cannot accept seeing the same shadow appear in the other person's personality. It literally is like looking in the mirror and seeing a demon staring back at you.

I spent many great years hating myself without knowing why. In the last 5 years I've had the privilege of discovering and integrating with my shadow self. I'm not 100% of the way there, but I can safely say I've grown a lot since.

Maybe he's still got unresolved shadows. Maybe he saw things about me that reminded him of himself, and that spooked him.

For Twin Flames to have a lasting relationship, both members need to fully accept themselves. It's the only way. And most people bring their shadows to their graves without even knowing. So maybe we're not meant to be together. Maybe this is just part of the life experience where I am showed possibilities, but not expected to commit to them. Like watching fish swim in an aquarium.

Half year ago when I broke up, I told myself that I will focus on investing on friendships because they tend to last longer than relationships. And I needed to figure out why my relationships don't last longer than 6 years, because I am tired of always having to restart. I didn't think the universe would offer me an answer to quickly. Maybe the universe always shows us the answers immediately, I just have better awareness to see it now.

The universe, in its most vicious manner, presented me a friend who I don't want as a friend. It gave me the answer to the question I've been asking. And it showed me the lessons I needed to learn before I can finally get into a relationship that will last me till the end. Patience and self love. At least I think it is. I need to play the long game. I need to slow myself down to match his pace. I need to be a friend first. And I need to love myself enough to ask for what I want in a relationship. 

I am almost here now. I can finally look myself in the mirror without feeling ashamed of myself. I can finally see the love, compassion and soul in myself. I know what I am suppose to be in this world. How I'm suppose to contribute. I can finally embrace myself and say "You're perfect, scars and all."

I just wish that one day I can embrace him and say to him "You're perfect, scars and all." And he would do the same back to me.

For the first time in 42 years, I found myself. Not in the same way as discovering my life purpose, but in the same way as being in a multiverse.