I Journeyed into Myself

 I journeyed into myself, and I found the meaning of life. It started one night when someone offered me a ticket to what he claimed as 'one of the wildest rides of my life'. I took it after making him promise that he will always be there when I got lost. 

It was like a rainbow fizz, only it didn't look like rainbows and wasn't fizzy. Or so I thought. 

The first hour was uneventful. Everything moved along as usual. There was maybe a slight lift, but nothing as extraordinary as advertised. 

"Maybe you need an extra jolt," he claimed. And we did just that. 

About a half hour later, things started to happen. Everything started melting and warping around me. Straight lines were swirling. Faces filled with colors and were losing cohesion. Smiles got wider than I was comfortable with. But I kept reminding myself that this was the beginning of my journey into myself. 

"Approach with curiosity, not resistance" I reminded myself, then dove deep into the music. As I closed my eyes, rainbow-coloured wavelengths danced all over me. Little bubbles floated around, each bordered by zapping neon streaks. There was an entire universe behind my eyelids. 

He walked up to me and asked if it had begun. I said "yes. I could see the wavelengths of the music playing now." He laughed and called me overly dramatic. I didn't bother proving myself, because I know what I was looking at, and it was absolutely marvellous. 

I opened my eyes and started interacting with others. I saw that neon wavelengths lined the curves of their faces and shoulders and arms. That got me to wonder if everything is made of wavelengths. Vibrations. Frequencies. 

I closed my eyes again to enjoy the music, but this time I was brought to another place. A hyper-speed rewind was happening. From where I was, to the earlier days of humankind, to the land before time, to space, to darkness between planets and asteroids and comets and suns and moons, to.... 

A big explosion. Was that the big bang? Why was it called a BANG? Was it a representation of the first chord that was struck that created everything? A single droplet that hit an ocean of consciousness that birthed a ripple that expanded into infinity? 

But wait. Did I really see the beginning of creation itself? Was it something I created from my understanding of everything? Or was this something everyone sees during this kind of journey into themselves? 

If the third was the case, then was Georges Lemaître on the same journey that led him to 'discover' the Big Bang theory? Was he a fraud?  

After what felt like an eternity exploring the connection between wavelengths and the birth of the cosmos, I decided I had to start interacting with people. But they somehow looked different now. Not the melting and neon faces like before. There was more. One person had a Prima Donna stature in him. I knew most of the people there, but not very well. This person's real face both looked and did not look like what I'm staring at right now. There was more to his appearance. It was as if I was looking at his persona, the real face behind the physical face. 

Another came to me and started telling me about his experiences in these gatherings. I also overheard him sharing a story of his first time in a similar gathering. Plastered on his face was another persona, someone more caring and helpful. The Caretaker. He liked taking care of newbies and introducing them to other people, so they don't feel so awkward. There's another one of this person in another group of mine. 

These personas I am seeing on the faces of people I know. They are showing me something I know but can't quite put my finger on. So I decided to take a seat at the corner of the room and examine everyone else. 

I saw a person who liked cracking jokes all the time. He may not know it but he had the ability to calm any stressful conversation by using himself as a joke. The Wise Fool who sees more but pretends not to. 

Then I noticed the person who hosted this evening's gathering. He was also the one who brought me on this ride. I could see what drives him: recognition. I mean, everyone wants recognition, but he wants to be the enabler for important events. He wants to be the one with the deeper pocket, the most resources, the one everyone reaches out to for support. I could almost see the shiny gold-waved cloak draped over his shoulders as he walked past me. The Ambitious. 

He was also, evidently, The Elder. The person who knows the way of the land, and was my counsel and oracle during this journey. 

All that observation led me to question my own persona. What am I? I was... the Leader. The person who knows how every piece of the puzzle fits into the bigger picture. The person who puts everything and everyone together into a giant well-oiled machine. I realised that as a leader, I did many things wrong during my 8 years as the head coach of the dragon boat team. I tried to be everything to everyone and have answers to every problem. 

I knew now that it was the wrong approach. As the leader, I didn't need to have all the answers. I only needed to who has answers to a specific area, and make everyone else support and work towards that. 

It was during this time when I was caught by someone to dance with a small group in a circle. I felt the movement of energy flowing between all the members in this little revel. Someone was leading the flow, and others are following. If there was another person trying to lead, the energy flow will be thrown off balance. In order to maintain that balance, others must either follow that lead, or subtly introduce a better sync with the music that everyone else can agree with. 

My job, was to support whoever I thought had the best idea at the time. I didn't need to have the answers. I only needed to support the one who did. That was my job as a leader. 

My mind was taken away back into the cosmic realm. Every star, planet, moon, electron, neutron, and proton spinning and spiralling in perfect balance. Every birth is met with maintenance, decline, death, and rebirth. The pristine equilibrium that holds everything in this universe together. 

This group has a Clown, a Healer, an Ambition-driven, a Dreamer, a Prime Donna, and every other persona in between. Perfect balance. 

I realised then why I was always so alone and lonely, without any close friends who see me as an equal. The leader doesn't have many peers. He walks the land alone, often misunderstood for his actions. Because most do not see the burden he carries with every unpopular decision made. 

But two people can see him for who he is. First is the one he often consults with. The Elder, who has walked this land and seen the future. 

The second, is his Anchor. The one person who can stand next to him as an equal. Sometimes his totem that prevents him from being lost in the most chaotic worlds. When that realisation came to me, only one person's face appeared in my mind: him. I knew then that he was the one. Everyone else can only satisfy my curiosity and excitement. But he is who I will always return to. My Anchor, the eye of the storm, stabiliser of the tempestuous protagonist. 

I knew at that point that he's the one. THE ONE. My partner in crime. I just had to extend my patience and allow him enough time to face his demons and shadows, so we can have a healthy relationship when it begins. 

With these two, I can take on the most perilous journeys without losing my way. 

Wait...

The Prima Donna: Brutus, Hamlet, King Lear, Prospero. 

The Wise Fool: Feste, Falstaff, Touchstone, The Fool. 

The Ambitious: Macbeth, Julius Caesar, Richard III

The Healer: Hermione, Portia

The Leader: Henry V, King Lear, Coriolanus, Prospero. 

These are all names of characters in the most famous Shakespearean works. Did he create all these from his observations of the world, or did he also take the same journey as I did now? 

As I slowly land from the 4-hour journey, I return with many answers and even more questions. If I could, in one night, see the same things the smartest minds in humanity created hundreds of years ago, were they all frauds? Did all scientific theories come out of psychedelics? Was I seeing the truth of the world and universe right now? Or was it just madness masked as awakening? 

Was he really my anchor? Or was it something I wished he could be? 

At the end of the journey, I felt so exhausted, like I've used up more of my brain capacity than usual. But I took away so much valuable thoughts that until today, 3 weeks after, I'm still unpacking. 

I journeyed into myself one night, and I found so much secrets to the universe and my inner purpose. But those were all just visions. What I do with them is the real journey. 

  

I Found Me

10 months ago I found myself. Not in the same way as discovering my life purpose, but in the same way as being in a multiverse.

The me born in another city. The me raised by a functional family. The me who completed his university studies. The me who got a proper job. The me who manages to live the life of my dreams.

But he is still me. The me who struggled with many things in life, including holding a proper relationship. The me who beats himself up for not being good enough. The me who's afraid of hurting others so he'd rather deprive himself of the best he deserves.

From the moment we met, there was a strong sense of familiarity, safety, comfort. It was like I knew him for years. But there was more. I knew what he was thinking. He knew what I was thinking. We didn't talk much on our outings because we didn't need to say much. His eyes and expressions spoke to me.

I remembered a part of Sophie's World that talked about the most profound 'Strange Encounter'. It's not one where we meet an alien, but one where we meet ourselves. I remember recalling that feeling of seeing myself in him. It was as if I was looking into a mirror.

Over the weeks, I realised he started maintaining a distance from me. His initial warmth was replaced with controlled nonchalance. This confused me. I thought I knew him, but I thought I didn't really know him. Questions raced through my mind for days and weeks. Was I grasping for feelings that weren't there at all? Was I blinded by a sudden emotional surge? How could I be so careless to allow myself to be swept away like this? I knew better.

A quick research led me to this term. The Twin Flame. A sudden sense of familiarity, like you've known each other for a long time. Both people have so many things in common, it feels like they're destined to be together. But most articles and videos spoke of Twin Flames as the most perilous of relationships.

I am him, and he is me. That's what the Twin Flame describes. We share the same soul. We can read each other's body language. We know what each other's thinking. We share the same passion for music and travelling and experiences. But we also have the same flaws.

When we dig deeper as to why things some people do annoy us so much, it's usually because they remind us of us. This is the reason why Twin Flames cannot get together. We share the same weaknesses. As long as either of us have an unresolved shadow, we cannot accept seeing the same shadow appear in the other person's personality. It literally is like looking in the mirror and seeing a demon staring back at you.

I spent many great years hating myself without knowing why. In the last 5 years I've had the privilege of discovering and integrating with my shadow self. I'm not 100% of the way there, but I can safely say I've grown a lot since.

Maybe he's still got unresolved shadows. Maybe he saw things about me that reminded him of himself, and that spooked him.

For Twin Flames to have a lasting relationship, both members need to fully accept themselves. It's the only way. And most people bring their shadows to their graves without even knowing. So maybe we're not meant to be together. Maybe this is just part of the life experience where I am showed possibilities, but not expected to commit to them. Like watching fish swim in an aquarium.

A year ago when I broke up, I told myself that I will focus on investing on friendships because they tend to last longer than relationships. And I needed to figure out why my relationships don't last longer than 6 years, because I am tired of always having to restart. I didn't think the universe would offer me an answer to quickly. Maybe the universe always shows us the answers immediately, I just have better awareness to see it now.

The universe, in its most vicious manner, presented me a friend who I don't want as a friend. It gave me the answer to the question I've been asking. And it showed me the lessons I needed to learn before I can finally get into a relationship that will last me till the end. Patience and self love. At least I think it is. I need to play the long game. I need to slow myself down to match his pace. I need to be a friend first. And I need to love myself enough to ask for what I want in a relationship. 

I am almost here now. I can finally look myself in the mirror without feeling ashamed of myself. I can finally see the love, compassion and soul in myself. I know what I am suppose to be in this world. How I'm suppose to contribute. I can finally embrace myself and say "You're perfect, scars and all."

I just wish that one day I can embrace him and say to him "You're perfect, scars and all." And he would do the same back to me.

For the first time in 42 years, I found myself. Not in the same way as discovering my life purpose, but in the same way as being in a multiverse.

Gathering of the Tribes

To gather with friends, 

In special events,

I feel completely blessed.

But invites I give,

Yet none I receive,

Perhaps I’m just disliked. 

The 8 Times I Fell in Love With You

You were a special person. One who, at first glance, anyone normal would regard as hardly useful aside from being a companion with a short lifespan. But throughout the 14 years being in the family, you were so much more. 

The first time I fell in love with you was the first time I met you. You were so no bigger than my palm, barely able to stand and walk a straight line. You thought my hand and my face were two separate entities, and interacted with them differently. 

Because you were taken from your mother at such a young age, eating solid food was a struggle. We had to mash the food into paste. Both your front legs had to be in your bowl in order for you to reach your food. In the mouth... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. And out the back. Such an efficient pooping machine, I thought. 

The second time I fell in love with you was how you would greet me every day after work with such enthusiasm. Work was tough for me, having just started working and not having direction in life. I hated many parts of my life because that was when I realised I was good at nothing. A mediocre destined to live an average life. 

All the pain and struggle will disappear as soon as I reach home, giving you the signature whistle. You would run to the front door and greet me with such excitement, as if we haven't met for days. I could feel my pain and burden melt away, replaced with your endless slobbering licks.

Speaking of struggling at work, I spent almost 6 - 7 years searching for my place in the world. Like any young and ambitious person, I wanted to be among the stars. As years go by, I was humbled by my inability to achieve those dreams. 

It was tough on me in the beginning, and I hated everything and everyone around me. Most of all, I hated myself. You were always there to accompany me, unfazed by my tantrums and anger. Just by being around me, you kept reminding me of the most important things in life. 

That was when I fell in love with you the third time. Because of you, I stopped chasing money and things, and started chasing experiences. I started loving myself again. I start appreciating family more. And I am forever in your debt for that. 

The fourth time I fell in love with you was when you would always take the time to check up on all of us while we are at home. When mom and I were working in separate rooms, you would occasionally walk into our rooms and see what we're doing. I am glad I always took the time to stop working and spend the little moments with you. 

You would also choose strategic spots to sleep at home, so you can keep an eye on every family member at all times. We thought we were your guardian, turned out you were the one guarding us all these while.   

The fifth time I fell in love was with your attitude and intelligence. Well that's a love/hate thing, but leaning more towards love. Your ability to communicate your feelings and thoughts is amazing. You would position your body accordingly depending on whether or not you want me to carry you. You have a wide array of tricks you would automatically dispense for treats. 

When you want to display your anger, you would jump onto our beds and drop a pool of pee. That usually sends us off the roof, but we could never stay mad at you for long. Whenever you give me that look, I'd ask 'What do you want?' and you would lead me to whatever it is you want my help with. 

The sixth time I fell in love with you was when you would always hop onto my bed in the morning to sleep with me before I wake up. I know you were just there for the air conditioning, but it did feel very nice to have had your company. 

The seventh time I fell in love with you was your smell. The smell of your paws and your fur. They are distinct, and no other doggie smelled like you. Your blanket and your clothes would smell like you. I will miss that the most. 

The eighth time I fell in love with you was the patience and conviction you had even down to the last days of your life. Upon returning home from your 10-day vet treatment, I think you already knew you couldn't last much longer. But you persevered, eating as much as we could feed you, because you knew that would make us happy. 

You mustered all the strength you could for the final days, giving us a glimpse of your younger years. When I left for work one day, you wanted to follow me out. I didn't understand why until a few days later when you could barely able to stand up and walk a straight line. 

The doctor later said you would only have a couple of days left, and we should stay with you. It all happened too quickly. In the few hours left on your death bed, I could see that you held on for as long as you could. But it wasn't because you weren't ready to leave us, instead you knew we weren't ready to let you go. 

Thank you for giving us as much time as you could even though it hurt so much.

Dear Paris, of all the times I fell in love with you, none is more important or significant than the other. All of them together and by themselves make up the immense love I have for you, and it is what makes you my forever love. 

You may think your existence in our family is of little significance, but in fact you were the anchor that held us together. Even in death, you brought all of us closer than ever before. 

Thank you, my baby girl. Thank you for your life, your smiles, your annoying high pitch barks, your ecstatic greets, and your bossy temper. May you find peace, happiness and endless supplies of blueberries where you are now. We are eternally grateful for you. 

Love, your family. 

What Do You Fear The Most?

 I was listening to a discussion in Clubhouse today, and they were talking about the thing they fear the most in life and how they managed to overcome it. 

Many talked about how the things they feared the most which kept them from progressing, and what they did to overcome them and eventually managed to move forward in life. 

I don’t remember when it happened, but I eventually lost track of the discussion and went into my own head. What was it that I feared the most in life which kept me from moving forward? I know what it was. Disappointment. 

In everything I do, I was very afraid of disappointing the people around me. Maybe it was because I’ve always been a disappointment my entire childhood. I was never good at anything, and my parents couldn’t brag about me to the relatives. Everyone else were overachievers, and me, I’m just an all-round loser. 

I’ve always avoided taking up responsibilities or being in the limelight because I was afraid I will disappoint everyone. At work, I never wanted to take up jobs for friends and family. I only take jobs from strangers so when I do disappoint them, it wouldn’t matter as much. 

Often times I would even beat myself to the ground before everyone started giving feedback on my lack of performance. I was my own harshest judgement. 

One time I was recommended by a friend into a company. After only 4 months, I decided to leave the company. I told everyone I didn’t want to travel into the city to work. But part of me, if I was being honest with myself, didn’t want to disappoint that friend in the eyes of his colleagues. 

All of my past relationships failed because I eventually felt the disappointment my partners had on me, and decided that I didn’t want to waste their time anymore. 

I never really got out of this fear, actually. I’m still avoiding many things because I am afraid I would disappoint the people around me. So I prefer to just stand in the shadow and let opportunities pass me by. Many people say failures will make us stronger, but it isn’t true. Some failures break you and make you believe that you are not meant for anything great. So you decide to be content with mediocrity. 

That is my greatest fear.