The Day I Was Visited By The Past

Just yesterday I was visited by my past. It wasn't that long ago this past, just about 8 months back. It was in the form of a person.

We started keeping in touch before Christmas, and the occasional back and forth texts turned more frequent. Eventually we started gaming online to help each other through tough quests.

The night before Christmas the person called me up, asking for my company in a festive occasion. "I have nobody to hangout with tonight." Partly out of this deeply buried feeling I still have for the person and partly out of compassion, I agreed to the little date.

I picked the person up from home and we went to the coffee place we always visited when we were dating for the past 2.5 years. And we spent the night playing the game together.

Initially we both felt a little awkward and didn't know what to say to each other. Conversations were too formal. "How have you been?" "How are your dogs?"

As the night went on, we quickly sank into the normal habits before our break up. Gaming, chatting about casual stuff we always talked about. Before midnight, we adjourned to McDonald's for ice cream and supper. Then I sent the person home, and headed home myself.

We didn't talk much until a couple of days before my New Years Eve outing with our common friends. We were gonna spend karaoke evening together through midnight. The person asked if I wanted to hangout, and I invited the person to our event instead. Since they're all friends anyway, I thought it would be a good time to catch up on old times.

On the day of New Years Eve we started hanging out earlier, just the two of us. We had lunch then watched a sappy Taiwanese movie. After that we had early dinner, then headed to an ice-cream place to play games.

It was a good day. It was as if we never parted. We joked like we had before, and we made those silly faces we've always done to each other. In a way it felt like the happiest day of my entire 2018, to be honest.

It's the act of doing absolutely nothing productive the entire day with this person I felt so comfortable with, that made it the best final day of 2018 for me. And I am pretty sure that person felt the same way.

Halfway through the day, we forgot that we had broken up 8 months ago. We forgot that we were hanging out with the person we had endless arguments with, and had completely given up on each other.

It was like I found my other missing half. The part of humanity I lost for most parts of the year.

That night, I am pretty sure I knew what was going through the minds of our friends. "Are they together again? Are they trying to get back together?"

We were chatting with each other like only old couples could. Knowing how to finish each other's sentences, and knowing what drinks each other wanted to order.

But then the height of the euphoria came crashing down when I was sending this person home that night. There this person was, sitting quietly and looking out the side window. I know what was going through the person's mind. It was going through mine, too.

 At the house I could see the person standing in the front door, deciding on something. Then the person walked into the house and closed the main gate behind.

After a while I got a miss call. I called back, wondering if there was something left in my car. "Do you wanna stay over at my place?"

Silence.

"Nah. I don't think I should."

While driving back, I started crying. I completely lost control of my emotions. What just happened today? I was the happiest and saddest person at the same time the entire day. It was so surreal, like I was living a dream.

I knew today was only going to be temporary, and that I couldn't give the person any ideas of revisiting our relationship. But I completely lost control and got sucked into the past. The happiness. The comfort. The silly talks and the silly faces.

As I reached home, I got a text. "I think we shouldn't text each other anymore."

I wanted to say something else. I fell the need to console the person. But I knew the objectively right thing to do was to agree with the text.

"If you are already dating someone, you don't have to hide it from me." What what I saw next from the person.

My reply, "I just started seeing someone recently. I didn't wanna tell you yet because I was afraid you'd be sad."

I have always been very bad at this. I always care so much what that other person may feel, that I stop myself from saying things out. Most of the time, those are just my perception. They usually become the cause of many unspoken things between two people that compound into secrets.

I had the chance to live a day in the past. It was the happiest day of my entire year, but also the saddest. It made me feel alive again, but also broke my heart.

It was as if I had my very own experience of the Ghost of Christmas Past. I forgot there was a person out there who knew me so well. A person who reminded me to be human again.

But as good as it is, we shouldn't forget why we broke up in the first place. It wasn't from a spontaneous argument, but endless and repetitive arguments that laid so many bricks between us we cannot see each other anymore.

I learned a good lesson from this relationship, one of trust and transparency. But most importantly, one of constant reflection. I got so caught up with the arguments and defending my position, that I forgot how to be a partner. I forgot how far we drifted. I forgot how far we grew apart.

Just yesterday, I was visited by the past. It was the best day I felt in a long time. And it was also the saddest.