The Failure

Many of us spend our lives trying to keep up with expectations. Expectations set by ourselves, and expectations given to us by those around. With expectations come failure. These are my list of failures for as long as I can remember.

I failed to cause complications during birth. The labor took so long the doctor had to have me pulled out with a clamp to the head.

I failed to keep from crying out loud in restaurants and during my first flight. I know I was very young back then, but some babies don't seem to have problem keeping their mouth shut.

I failed to look at my first day at the kindergarten with positivity, unlike my brother. It says a lot about a person, I was told. And I was constantly reminded of this and many other shortcomings compared to my brother.

I failed to finish my food at the same pace as the rest of the world. There is a set time one is require to finish all his food, and this cannot be changed.

I failed to be able to understand Math and recite the multiplication tables without pausing every now and then.

I failed to be able to talk efforlessly like everyone else.

I failed to come home with straight As on my report card. Keeping it all blue was itself a giant task.

I failed to find myself useful in any form of sports, like every physically active son would. I couldn't run, I couldn't jump, I couldn't handle the handball. I couldn't even hop in a sack.

I failed to take criticism well. I constantly review everything I did, and told myself to never repeat again when I did something wrong. And I would be pretty hard on myself. So when other people told me the same thing, I had problem handling the stress.

I failed to keep a cool head at all times. I tend to overreact to situations, good or bad. I'd then find those reactions very very embarrasing.

I failed to lead and inspire anyone.

I failed to find the correct group of friends who'd stay in libraries and study, and talk about Sengir Vampires and why Neutrons don't have to pay for their drinks in bars.

I failed to start smoking, I failed to not teach people how to smoke, I failed to stop my brother from smoking.

I failed to keep the family in one piece. I failed to keep the both of them from constantly fighting and throwing chairs and fists at each other. I failed to step up and yell at the both of them when I could.

I failed to live up to my family's tradition. I can't read and write, and I can't speak the two most important dialects of my ancestors. Those that I can speak are 'pasar' standard.

I failed to remember all the fishing knots and practices. I failed to remember how to unhook fishes. I failed to remember how to be safe when fishing. Even after years of fishing, I failed at everything.

I failed at not losing anything. My house keys, my dad's watch, my house keys, my handphone, pens, pencils, bags, books.

I failed at not crashing anything into everything. My bike into a motorcycle, an SUV along the side of a car, and a car onto a column.

I failed at getting even the most decent set of scores in my exams.

I failed to choose the area in which I wanted to advance my studies. I failed to not waste their savings on my stupidity.

I failed to get a decent self-respecting job that would've paid me good and given me handsome benefits. I failed to understand the importance of being with majority.

I failed to have a decent relationship with any woman without everything falling apart after only months. Every time.

I will fail to give my parents grand children. Partly because there are too many skeletons all around, and I think it's best to have them buried with me.

I will fail to accept critisicm properly because I will always be very hard on myself for fucking things up again and again.

I will fail to succeed in life because I don't always follow through with my plans.

I will fail to understand unconditional love because I don't believe it exists.

I will fail to accept God because there hasn't been anything Godly in this world as far as I know.

I will fail to understand the sanctity of humanity because I think humans are the most barbaric and uncivilized of all races living on Earth.

I will fail to make anyone proud because that would make me hate myself.

I will fail to be the model person who has absolutely no credit card and car loan debts overdue by the months.

I will fail to get a decent self-respecting job that will pay me for doing just what I should.

I will fail to settle.

I will fail to be smart and experienced, because before I become smart enough in an area I move on to something else I'm completely idiot in.

I will fail to live until the age of 75 with 3 kids and 9 grand kids and a loving wife and a big bungalow with a big land and 3 dogs running around the green lawn.

So far I can say I haven't succeeded in anything expected of me. Yes I got into drugs and street gangs too. I stole. But no killings and rapings and robbings. That's not enough for the society. They expect model samaritans with a constant smile on the face and a perfect hair cut. They want ties and suits, they want absolute conformity.

I will fail at that too, conforming for the sake of conforming.