Gathering of the Tribes

To gather with friends, 

In special events,

I feel completely blessed.

But invites I give,

Yet none I receive,

Perhaps I’m just disliked. 

The 8 Times I Fell in Love With You

You were a special person. One who, at first glance, anyone normal would regard as hardly useful aside from being a companion with a short lifespan. But throughout the 14 years being in the family, you were so much more. 

The first time I fell in love with you was the first time I met you. You were so no bigger than my palm, barely able to stand and walk a straight line. You thought my hand and my face were two separate entities, and interacted with them differently. 

Because you were taken from your mother at such a young age, eating solid food was a struggle. We had to mash the food into paste. Both your front legs had to be in your bowl in order for you to reach your food. In the mouth... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. And out the back. Such an efficient pooping machine, I thought. 

The second time I fell in love with you was how you would greet me every day after work with such enthusiasm. Work was tough for me, having just started working and not having direction in life. I hated many parts of my life because that was when I realised I was good at nothing. A mediocre destined to live an average life. 

All the pain and struggle will disappear as soon as I reach home, giving you the signature whistle. You would run to the front door and greet me with such excitement, as if we haven't met for days. I could feel my pain and burden melt away, replaced with your endless slobbering licks.

Speaking of struggling at work, I spent almost 6 - 7 years searching for my place in the world. Like any young and ambitious person, I wanted to be among the stars. As years go by, I was humbled by my inability to achieve those dreams. 

It was tough on me in the beginning, and I hated everything and everyone around me. Most of all, I hated myself. You were always there to accompany me, unfazed by my tantrums and anger. Just by being around me, you kept reminding me of the most important things in life. 

That was when I fell in love with you the third time. Because of you, I stopped chasing money and things, and started chasing experiences. I started loving myself again. I start appreciating family more. And I am forever in your debt for that. 

The fourth time I fell in love with you was when you would always take the time to check up on all of us while we are at home. When mom and I were working in separate rooms, you would occasionally walk into our rooms and see what we're doing. I am glad I always took the time to stop working and spend the little moments with you. 

You would also choose strategic spots to sleep at home, so you can keep an eye on every family member at all times. We thought we were your guardian, turned out you were the one guarding us all these while.   

The fifth time I fell in love was with your attitude and intelligence. Well that's a love/hate thing, but leaning more towards love. Your ability to communicate your feelings and thoughts is amazing. You would position your body accordingly depending on whether or not you want me to carry you. You have a wide array of tricks you would automatically dispense for treats. 

When you want to display your anger, you would jump onto our beds and drop a pool of pee. That usually sends us off the roof, but we could never stay mad at you for long. Whenever you give me that look, I'd ask 'What do you want?' and you would lead me to whatever it is you want my help with. 

The sixth time I fell in love with you was when you would always hop onto my bed in the morning to sleep with me before I wake up. I know you were just there for the air conditioning, but it did feel very nice to have had your company. 

The seventh time I fell in love with you was your smell. The smell of your paws and your fur. They are distinct, and no other doggie smelled like you. Your blanket and your clothes would smell like you. I will miss that the most. 

The eighth time I fell in love with you was the patience and conviction you had even down to the last days of your life. Upon returning home from your 10-day vet treatment, I think you already knew you couldn't last much longer. But you persevered, eating as much as we could feed you, because you knew that would make us happy. 

You mustered all the strength you could for the final days, giving us a glimpse of your younger years. When I left for work one day, you wanted to follow me out. I didn't understand why until a few days later when you could barely able to stand up and walk a straight line. 

The doctor later said you would only have a couple of days left, and we should stay with you. It all happened too quickly. In the few hours left on your death bed, I could see that you held on for as long as you could. But it wasn't because you weren't ready to leave us, instead you knew we weren't ready to let you go. 

Thank you for giving us as much time as you could even though it hurt so much.

Dear Paris, of all the times I fell in love with you, none is more important or significant than the other. All of them together and by themselves make up the immense love I have for you, and it is what makes you my forever love. 

You may think your existence in our family is of little significance, but in fact you were the anchor that held us together. Even in death, you brought all of us closer than ever before. 

Thank you, my baby girl. Thank you for your life, your smiles, your annoying high pitch barks, your ecstatic greets, and your bossy temper. May you find peace, happiness and endless supplies of blueberries where you are now. We are eternally grateful for you. 

Love, your family. 

What Do You Fear The Most?

 I was listening to a discussion in Clubhouse today, and they were talking about the thing they fear the most in life and how they managed to overcome it. 

Many talked about how the things they feared the most which kept them from progressing, and what they did to overcome them and eventually managed to move forward in life. 

I don’t remember when it happened, but I eventually lost track of the discussion and went into my own head. What was it that I feared the most in life which kept me from moving forward? I know what it was. Disappointment. 

In everything I do, I was very afraid of disappointing the people around me. Maybe it was because I’ve always been a disappointment my entire childhood. I was never good at anything, and my parents couldn’t brag about me to the relatives. Everyone else were overachievers, and me, I’m just an all-round loser. 

I’ve always avoided taking up responsibilities or being in the limelight because I was afraid I will disappoint everyone. At work, I never wanted to take up jobs for friends and family. I only take jobs from strangers so when I do disappoint them, it wouldn’t matter as much. 

Often times I would even beat myself to the ground before everyone started giving feedback on my lack of performance. I was my own harshest judgement. 

One time I was recommended by a friend into a company. After only 4 months, I decided to leave the company. I told everyone I didn’t want to travel into the city to work. But part of me, if I was being honest with myself, didn’t want to disappoint that friend in the eyes of his colleagues. 

All of my past relationships failed because I eventually felt the disappointment my partners had on me, and decided that I didn’t want to waste their time anymore. 

I never really got out of this fear, actually. I’m still avoiding many things because I am afraid I would disappoint the people around me. So I prefer to just stand in the shadow and let opportunities pass me by. Many people say failures will make us stronger, but it isn’t true. Some failures break you and make you believe that you are not meant for anything great. So you decide to be content with mediocrity. 

That is my greatest fear. 

The Day I Was Visited By The Past

Just yesterday I was visited by my past. It wasn't that long ago this past, just about 8 months back. It was in the form of a person.

We started keeping in touch before Christmas, and the occasional back and forth texts turned more frequent. Eventually we started gaming online to help each other through tough quests.

The night before Christmas the person called me up, asking for my company in a festive occasion. "I have nobody to hangout with tonight." Partly out of this deeply buried feeling I still have for the person and partly out of compassion, I agreed to the little date.

I picked the person up from home and we went to the coffee place we always visited when we were dating for the past 2.5 years. And we spent the night playing the game together.

Initially we both felt a little awkward and didn't know what to say to each other. Conversations were too formal. "How have you been?" "How are your dogs?"

As the night went on, we quickly sank into the normal habits before our break up. Gaming, chatting about casual stuff we always talked about. Before midnight, we adjourned to McDonald's for ice cream and supper. Then I sent the person home, and headed home myself.

We didn't talk much until a couple of days before my New Years Eve outing with our common friends. We were gonna spend karaoke evening together through midnight. The person asked if I wanted to hangout, and I invited the person to our event instead. Since they're all friends anyway, I thought it would be a good time to catch up on old times.

On the day of New Years Eve we started hanging out earlier, just the two of us. We had lunch then watched a sappy Taiwanese movie. After that we had early dinner, then headed to an ice-cream place to play games.

It was a good day. It was as if we never parted. We joked like we had before, and we made those silly faces we've always done to each other. In a way it felt like the happiest day of my entire 2018, to be honest.

It's the act of doing absolutely nothing productive the entire day with this person I felt so comfortable with, that made it the best final day of 2018 for me. And I am pretty sure that person felt the same way.

Halfway through the day, we forgot that we had broken up 8 months ago. We forgot that we were hanging out with the person we had endless arguments with, and had completely given up on each other.

It was like I found my other missing half. The part of humanity I lost for most parts of the year.

That night, I am pretty sure I knew what was going through the minds of our friends. "Are they together again? Are they trying to get back together?"

We were chatting with each other like only old couples could. Knowing how to finish each other's sentences, and knowing what drinks each other wanted to order.

But then the height of the euphoria came crashing down when I was sending this person home that night. There this person was, sitting quietly and looking out the side window. I know what was going through the person's mind. It was going through mine, too.

 At the house I could see the person standing in the front door, deciding on something. Then the person walked into the house and closed the main gate behind.

After a while I got a miss call. I called back, wondering if there was something left in my car. "Do you wanna stay over at my place?"

Silence.

"Nah. I don't think I should."

While driving back, I started crying. I completely lost control of my emotions. What just happened today? I was the happiest and saddest person at the same time the entire day. It was so surreal, like I was living a dream.

I knew today was only going to be temporary, and that I couldn't give the person any ideas of revisiting our relationship. But I completely lost control and got sucked into the past. The happiness. The comfort. The silly talks and the silly faces.

As I reached home, I got a text. "I think we shouldn't text each other anymore."

I wanted to say something else. I fell the need to console the person. But I knew the objectively right thing to do was to agree with the text.

"If you are already dating someone, you don't have to hide it from me." What what I saw next from the person.

My reply, "I just started seeing someone recently. I didn't wanna tell you yet because I was afraid you'd be sad."

I have always been very bad at this. I always care so much what that other person may feel, that I stop myself from saying things out. Most of the time, those are just my perception. They usually become the cause of many unspoken things between two people that compound into secrets.

I had the chance to live a day in the past. It was the happiest day of my entire year, but also the saddest. It made me feel alive again, but also broke my heart.

It was as if I had my very own experience of the Ghost of Christmas Past. I forgot there was a person out there who knew me so well. A person who reminded me to be human again.

But as good as it is, we shouldn't forget why we broke up in the first place. It wasn't from a spontaneous argument, but endless and repetitive arguments that laid so many bricks between us we cannot see each other anymore.

I learned a good lesson from this relationship, one of trust and transparency. But most importantly, one of constant reflection. I got so caught up with the arguments and defending my position, that I forgot how to be a partner. I forgot how far we drifted. I forgot how far we grew apart.

Just yesterday, I was visited by the past. It was the best day I felt in a long time. And it was also the saddest.

Poor You

I'm tired. I'm sick. I've had enough. 

The hate. The complaints. The whiny people always blaming you for everything that goes wrong around them. 

I hate it when people return home from a somewhat first world and the first thing they notice are everything bad about you. The heat, the rain, the rubbish, the congested airport, the loud taxi drivers haggling outside, the conveyor belt that delays their baggages. The dirty toilets, the long queues at the stamping line, the people trying to cut that queue. 

Those who had their queues cut will blame you for the bad education you give them. The ones who cut the queue will blame you for making these lines inefficient and slow. Other countries are never this slow, they say. People elsewhere are more educated than this, they say. 

Roads are congested, and it's your fault. Heavy rain slows down the traffic flow, and it's your fault. Faulty traffic lights, your fault. Motorbikes running lights, your fault. Portholes, your fault. Those who drive fast hate the slow drivers for not respecting the time of others. The slow drivers hate fast drivers for disrespecting their lives and safety. 

Weavers think they're better drivers than everyone else. The speed limit is too slow. That 'No U-Turn' sign is unreasonable. Toll price is always going up. Petrol price is always going up. And it's all your fucking fault. Always. Because everything needs to free for everyone right? Because except for them, nobody else needs to make money, right? Because only they know how best to set the speed limit of a road, not some actual road safety department that went for numerous certifications. Because these road safety department people only went to Berlin for an expensive holiday and used the certificate examination as an excuse. 

A baby is left in the car, and everyone blames you. A dog is left in a car and everyone blames you. The beaches are filthy and everyone blames you. The waterfalls are treacherous, and everyone blames you. 

A family gets killed in a freak car crash. You get blamed for the family driving a beat up car because cars are so damned expensive here. A man dies of hypertension and you get blamed for not making healthy food cheap enough for everyone. 

People cannot get jobs because you are not an ideal location for FDI and job creation. People cannot compete with expats because your education system sucks. People always live along the poverty line because you don't know how to take care of them. 

I am sick and tired of all these blames and whines. If cars are expensive, buy cheaper ones. If you can't afford it, work harder. If traffic is always congested, take the train. We are a part of the country that is our home. If you don't like this country, leave the hell out. 

Dear whiners

Don't walk around complaining about every fucking thing that's happening around you as if it is your bloody birth right that everything must be given to you. Don't put on those fucking black faces when things don't go your way and say 'Malaysia Boleh' like you're so much better than everyone else. 

Freedom and democracy is not a right served in a silver platter. Economic advancement does not just happen like night and day. We are the driving force for the economy. If we spend all our days trying so hard to snake off work, and all we ever think about is the end of the month so we can get our pay, how on Earth will our country advance?

So stop blaming the country. Stop blaming my country. If something goes wrong, look in the mirror first. And stop your fucking stupid 'Malaysia Boleh' bullshit, it's an insult to my country. If you don't like it you can either make it a better place, or just leave.

Happy birthday, my love