Business: The Epic Fail Cycle

Time and time again we see businesses fail. Wanna know why? Simple. Here are examples of reasons why businesses fail to take flight, or die after a few years of operation. 

1. Fail-To-Planners

Okay here we have the biggest misconception in the history of mankind: There's no need to study business in order to run one. Sure, we see some good companies in the world founded by Engineers and Doctors (The REAL ones). What about the ones we don't see? The countless millions that just open shop, and inevitably die the next day? We don't because they don't live long enough for us to notice. 

Problem with these Fail-To-Planners is their perception of business. They collect about RM100k, spend it all on rentals, interior design, and what-nots. They have the coolest idea in the world, that's to make their restaurant Different from others'. Their restaurants became so different nobody wanted to eat their food! And what about operational costs? Don't know what's that? And the first 3-5 months of running the business on a loss while developing awareness and getting people to visit your little cafe? Why 3-5 months? Simply because it takes that long for people to notice your cafe's existence and actually try it out. 

7 out of 10 will close-shop by now. "Material prices too expensive. Location not good enough, all the realtor's fault. Partner left. Market not ready for our kind of product. Too niche. Customs don't allow us to import dolphin meat". All rubbish! If you've splurged all your initial modal on fancy interiors and famous chefs, where are you gonna get the money to sustain operating on a loss? I bet you didn't know you need to do that for 3-5 months right? 

2. Fail-To-Marketers

You spent half a million on that dream restaurant of yours, and you refused to hire proper and professional marketing and advertising teams to run your campaign for you. "Ridiculous la! I also know how to take pictures and post flyers la! Save the money, I do myself". And all your staff will ever do is swat flies day-in day-out. Do not underestimate the power of marketing and advertising, and what the professionals can do that you'll never be able to figure out. Simply because they got that 'Useless Degree'. Coca-Cola tastes like shit. They're one of the biggest companies in the world simply because they turned that shitty sugar-water into the coolest drink in the world through marketing. Fosters Beer is by far the crappiest beer in the world. Same thing: marketing. And Absolut Vodka? Who would've thought the Swedish can make anything other than boring cars and cheap furniture? 

You've got that Million stacked up behind the restaurant. But how many hundred thousands will you be ready to lose before finally calling it quits? 

3. Fail-To-Sustainers

By far I think this is the most important criteria of failing in business. Why? Because it's like doing CPR on your dying wife from Ipoh to KL, and she ends up dying in the hospital, surrounded by doctors. 

This is the Epic Fail Cycle of how your business will now die:

Problem: Not enough customers to sustain business. Running on loss

Solution: Blame it on bad season. Reduce costs to maintain. 

Result: Food quality sucks. Not enough waiters to handle the crowd. Your remaining loyal customers don't return.

Solution 2: Maintain existing operations. Jack up prices to make up for loss, and hopefully can break-even.

Result: What some more?! Nobody will return la! 

Solution 3: Spend cautiously on ridiculously stupid marketing campaigns to lure near-freeloaders to eat at your place and hang out there for longer periods.

Result: You've just attracted the one crowd you never want in your restaurant: Free Loaders. Too many people eat only during those times, and those who hang out will hog the already limited number of tables you have, ordering Ais-Kosong one after another for at least 3 hours. 

4. Fail-To-Leavers

This I cannot blame you. Some people are born leaders, others try to make it, but majority of the people out there don't even know how to spell the word LEADER. Being a leader is being able to inspire, NOT direct and manage. Many don't quite know the meaning of these. 

You're already 65. Rich like hell, and wanna retire and go on holidays with your wife before either or both of you die. You've been training this Protege for years now. You've seen him work, and he's good. You leave the company for good. 2 months later, it faces bankruptcy. You've got no choice but to return. You end up working until 83, retire and die swallowing an ice cube the next day on the way to your first holiday with your wife. 

Advice

When things don't go right in your business, inject funds. Or find ways to make your business run more efficiently so costs can be cut from there. Don't ever direct extra income from your customers. Don't reduce workforce on sales departments (waiters included as they're your closest hands to the customers), as they're the ones who actually make money for you. This will only end in a further INCREASE in losses, for sure. If anything, INCREASE commissions on your sales teams to encourage them to work harder! 

Marketing and advertising teams are out there for you to use. Don't stinge on them. Whatever their advise, absorb and process. Don't try to act smart and do them all by yourself. They can sell ice to Eskimos, and you can't even sell food to hungry people. 

Project: Match Issue 003

I know I'm violating a number of Copyright Acts by using photos grabbed from all over the net and not asking for permission or at least crediting them. From this issue onwards, there will be photo crediting. Please don't sue me. This blog don't make any money because no one ever reads it. But honestly, for you to have found your picture in this blog, that's kind of saying something else. And I should be happy about it.

1. NG EU JUN

Eu Jun is able to properly differentiate Fact from Fantasy. Sometimes I think that is what's keeping him from properly stretching his limits. When asked what cars he'd like, see him passionately describe to you his love for the 5 Series or the 3 Series Ci or the Aston Martin DBS or the Subaru Impreza. But down to the real world, he won't get anything close to those. He'll get the... yes. 

TOYOTA VELLFIRE
Source: http://cars.desktopnexus.com/wallpaper/140298/

Despite his love for fast and furious cars, Eu Jun will end up getting this. Because it seats 12. Because it's a Toyota. Because it looks kinda cool with the body mods. Because it's supposed to be fuel efficient. He's as practical and objective as any Chinaman car buyer can be. Second-hand value, sure got ah! Plus if his kids carry his genes, 20 can get in. He won't want those 450" Rims though. It consumes too much petrol and those tires are expensive. He'll show you 0-100 in 25 minutes. He'll do 60 on the fastest lane of a highway, and not move away even for the Ambulance.Then he'll wind down the window and throw out a tissue paper. He will say: " Wipe your face, you're sweating."

2. BRYAN TENG


My brother. Bryan is an Act First, Think Later sort of person. Sometimes, more often than not, he comes out of a situation looking rather stupid. But that won't stop him from doing it all over again. And again. And again. 


FORD MUSTANG GT 1965

http://www.chooseyouritem.com/classics

They say to be a loving brother, you have to give them what they want, and maybe more at times. So this is me being a good brother. Bryan and the Mustang GT. Left-hand drive for the lefty. Finally he can smoke in the car with his left hand holding on to the cigarette. It rams through situations head-first, and when the first bend comes, crashes into the bushes. There's nothing else to write about this car, because there's nothing I find interesting with it. But Bryan will drool. Bryan will feel connected. Bryan will fall deeply in love. He will pick up girls with it. He will need the girls to pay toll for him, because it's on the other side. He'll need the girls to look out for traffic for him, because it's on the other side. The girls will leave. Then he'll probably find another more sensible car. Right-hand drive maybe. Which then will get him interested in a look-alike. Only from the outside, I can guarantee you that.


DATSUN SUNNY

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/

Come on man! Tell me you see the resemblance! This one is a right-hand drive. It's got 2 doors like the Mustang, it's got those classic round lights, and the tire rims look so alike! Only difference is when driving the Sunny, the engine will sound like you're on constant Reverse. No, actually it'll even feel like it. Yes, Bryan. This is me being the brother I've always been.

3. MICHELLE TENG

She's one of the very few I know who sees Subaru Impreza as a beauty. And I'm proud of that. She's the only girl I know who wants to, without her mother's knowledge, get a bike license so she can own a Hayabusha someday. Michelle take things too seriously sometimes. But when it's funny, she'll never know when to stop. She's sometimes a little too honest about the things she say. If there's an insurance out there for misuse of words in public, she might need it. 

SUBARU IMPREZA
Source: http://carscoop.blogspot.com

 Yes, this car properly represents her. It's honest. It's humble. It's hardworking. It's not a salesman. It gives you a lot, and when it's limit has reached, it'll simply shut down. No, that's just Michelle. This car can take a tonne more than she can ever squeeze out. This is the first car she wants from her first job. She's very passionate about it. Tell her the front lights look like Satria Neo's and she'll emo for the rest of the day. It's practical enough. She takes it pass 180km/h through bends, and the AWD keeps her on track. Hairy-chested too. Sprung out of the womb of WRC Champions, this beast is pedigree. Sleek and silent to blend with corporate elites, but inside the 300bhp dragon unleashes with the tap of the pedal and shift of the stick. Yes, Stick. 'Only Faggots drive Auto', says the woman.

4. DESMOND ONG

Speed demons must have a certain fire in them. The flair to outperform and over power the machine. Setting limits and breaking them, setting that new limit and breaking it again. Desmond's appreciation for the world is not average. There's heart and soul in everything around him, especially in cars. No corporate Black Tie can keep him at bay. It is difficult to tag him to one particular car, as it is too easy for him to fit into almost every fire-breathing monster in the market. But I believe he will see this one I chose as something rather out-of-the-box.

ALFA ROMEO 8C COMPETIZIONE
Source: http://www.carsbase.com

A dream. A perfect machine. A topless. An Italian. An art. A Limited Edition. Everything else in the world will be rubbish to him now. The beauty carved from generations of dedication, comes a masterpiece he will never die not having. Some say it drives like a nanny. But who cares. Desmond will fall in love all over again. He will drive his wife around the coasts with it. He will bring a dog. Just one. There's just not enough space for all their dogs in there.This car will love him too, because he takes it down a hill side road, sideways. Forget the Lambos and Ferraris, they're forgettable. This one, this one will stand next to a Picasso one day.



5. KELVIN HEW


Kelvin is one very good friend, for one very long time. He has immense amounts of anger, now carefully embedded within. Sometimes however, they emerge. But only slightly. Experience has helped him build a stronger cage. Kelvin is a free-spirited man. He can't give two flying monkeys about any social compulsory Cow Manure. He does what he likes, when he likes, and the way he likes it done. Cars to him is an extension of his legs, the amp to freedom. It does not amount to much, but having one won't hurt.


VOLVO XC 90 
Source: http://www.volvocars.com/us

The safety. The space. The size. The ability to haul his family and bags up long trips. The engine that is used in the Noble M600. Exactly what he needs. Because it's a car, and because it can only be a car. Kelvin's freedom cannot be summed in steel and wheels. It has to be more. But when it's a car, it has to have the best of everything.



 

Education Conspiracy

Sunny weekend morning. Posh housing community. Man washing his Bentley. Neighbor watering plants. 

Greets with smiles. 

"Hey, Bill."

"Morning, Evelynn."

Bill        : Hey you know what, I just bought over this software thing from an Indian chap. Thinking of starting something.

Evelynn : What you got in mind?

Bill        : Dunno. Maybe a software company. Gonna be big. So I'll probably need your help with starting it up.

Evelynn : Sure thing, Bill. What you need?

Bill        : I'm gonna need a large influx of new grads majoring in this new computer-related degree. I've thought about a name, but nothing nice popped out yet. Information Technology, maybe.

Evelynn : Sounds like a good idea. As long as you can provide sustainable jobs, I can make them dirt cheap for you. 

Bill        : I could show you my plan. Maybe we could talk this over some coffee later. 

Evelynn : Sounds like a plan.

Sit in a lecture hall and you'll constantly hear lecturers going on and on about getting ready for the work life outside, how to be a good employee, how to move up in the corporate ranks. Has any lecturer ever taught us to maybe start our own companies and hire some employees of our own? Have you also ever wondered why huge multinational conglomerates almost always give out scholarships to high scorers without asking for anything in return other than to keep the spree going? 

Because they all know we'll make fine employees some day. Because they all know we'll probably not graduate to be a business owner, and therefore not a competitor. Big-ass companies all around the world make sure all of us are groomed to become fine new workers. Workers for them. Workers that will benefit them. 

Many years back there was a surge in fresh graduates holding degrees to Information Technology. So much so that many were unemployed for a long period of time. Some even ended up waiting tables or distributing flyers to wait out the queue. Those employed were paid peanuts, because there was no union protecting them, and because they know there were tonnes out there that would do anything for his/her job. The right people told the right friend to do the right thing so they get the right people for the right price. We're all chess pieces here.

The Universities we were educated in are business entities, which means they make money or they get closed. The lecturers who taught us were cowards who were too afraid to face the real world, ending up forever confined within the Walls of Comfort. We paid to be carefully brainwashed into thinking the world outside only accept studious employees. They don't. More than half of the fresh graduates out there are suffering because they don't know how to think critically. This means leaving your textbook at home and tackling a problem by actually using that webbed right hemisphere. Don't go cutting your wrists yet. It's not all our faults. The people teaching us are too afraid to live in the real world, and yet they were the ones to groom us for it. How ridiculous that must sound now.

It is, unfortunately, unavoidable that the world's education systems are made to create workers and not Fortune 500 founders. What is avoidable is the mentality one holds on to when attending these teachings. Look at things in a different perspective. Dare to be bigger than everyone else in your class. And when you do become founder of a Fortune 500 someday, allocate some funds for student scholarships. They give your company a good name, and they help eliminate future competitors.

The writer is merely expressing his personal view in this post. There are no evidence whatsoever to back any of his claims, and therefore should in no way be treated as valid claims. The dialogue enactment was fictional, and any similarities with real life people are purely coincidental. 

Project: Match Issue 002

Project: Match Issue 002. Lets get on with it, shall we.

1. KEANGSTON

Keangston (this guy's name really tests my typing skills) doesn't believe in moderation. He'd either not get into something, or it's gonna be till death. I know pilots are speed demons, but when I'm writing this post down he's not one yet. As far as cars are concerned though, he'll see things a little differently. I believe the keyword here is Refinement. For as much as I don't know about him, I've listed two potential cars he could fit into.

VOLKSWAGEN EOS

No this is NOT a girl's car. This is as manly a car can ever get. A 'Refined' manly car. Despite parents' discouragements on buying cars with the resale value of peanuts, he would get this one. And it would be in White. Washing it would be a pain, but the end result would be satisfying. There's absolutely no boot space for this car, so he'd reserve the two back seats for climbing and Cross Fit gears. As much as he hates the heat here in KL, he would draw down the roof whenever possible simply because no other car in the 250 mile radius can. 2.0 TSi? Packs a punch. You just don't know it. Unlike the Z4 or the SLK, the EOS is humility derived from the richest of castes.

MERCEDES SLS AMG

 "No, that's not the car I want either!" Tough luck, dude. This is my blog.

Well now if Keangston hates the EOS, I believe this would be the one. This car is the ultimate contingency, for if he, somehow, can't become a pilot in the future. I'm not saying that he won't, but it's always good to have a Plan B. First off, it's got Wings. They don't literally fly, but boy 571bhp can take him places. The insides look quite 'Flight-Ready' as well.

Secondly, would you just look at that gear knob. It's made to look and feel like the throttles on Jumbo Jets. See, it's the Land Jet. Forget the Bugatti, it's got no aesthetic value whatsoever (which I'm sure I've already offended quite a a lot of people by this line). No, seriously. You have got to see this car. It is an Absolute Mmmmarvel (With Clarkson's exaggerated slang).

 

2. ANNA RINA RAHIM

This woman is.... a bit of a man as well. She's manly, and sometimes when need be, womanly as well. Both a symbol of masculinity and feminism. She can curse like a sailor's mother and she can be as polite as a canary. 

PORSCHE BOXSTER S

Why the Boxster, you ask? Because this car represents her. It's wild, 310bhp wild. It's refined, superb German engineering refined. And it's topless! Anna hates shopping, so to hell with the boot. She hardly drives anyone around, so passenger seat for Paco or Onni or whatever their names are. She'll probably go for the manual 6-speed because nothing beats handling the stick. Now what color would she get this car in? Blue? Black? That I can't tell.

3. EDMUND TAN

Edmund believes a car should be able to take him from one place to another. And fit 500 large shopping bags. And look good. And feel good to drive. Edmund's father believes a car should have good resale value. And nothing else. 

VOLKSWAGEN GOLF GTI

His dad will scream at him for buying this 'Thing'. Until he tells his dad it's got 7 SRS Airbags, and it sells for 70% money back. And it'll make his dad look good in front of his friends. That'll relief his mom off heavy jewelry. What a good son he's turning out to be. He'll take the black. He'll drive this car for 4 years, and still not know how to use the DSGs. He'll be able to avoid suicidal dogs better with this car.

4. HUEY TENG

Calamity. She wants a good car to posh around with, but her job makes it virtually impossible. Unless of course she starts up her own company at home. Her going home later than everyone else habit makes her a good robbery/raping/killing/bombing victim. So this is what she'll probably settle with. 

HONDA CIVIC

Hey, she used to own a Daihatsu Ascend. And as of last year, she officially hates white cars. The Civic is practical. Space, Comfort, Low Maintenance, Fuel Efficient and.... *snoring from boredom*. Father gets the Nissan Sentra because it's known for being able to last a hundred years maintenance-free. Look at the Nissan Sunny 120Y. But Prune-face won't do what father did. She'll make a difference! She will get a car with a lifespan of a Housefly! Okay that'll be a Proton, but pretend for a moment Protons don't exist. Bottom line is, she won't be a target of snatch theft in the middle of the night. She'll choose this car over the Toyota Corolla Altis simply because she sees more ladies drive this than the Altis.

5. NAZNEEN HALIM

Nazneen would love to drive. But she can't. And she probably won't, not until someone buys her a Hummer. And if she ever gets one, she'll probably have problem seeing pass the steering wheel. 

THE TAXI

Probably the best way to get around town, no doubt. Wave, get in, direct, read a book, pay, get out. When car prices go up, she's not bothered. When petrol prices go up, she's not bothered. When parking prices go up, she's not bothered. But when drivers haggle, she's bothered. When drivers tweak the meters, she's bothered. When she has to go home pass midnight and pay extra on fare, she's bothered. When the back seats reek of dead rats, she's bothered. When the driver starts ranting about his life, she's bothered. Well Neen Neen, you can't get the best of everything.

Project: Match

There's always a car out there for everyone, regardless whether you're a closet track racer or a Soccer Mom. Project: Match is set up as an attempt for me to evaluate my friends' character and match them with a car that responds to that character. The answers is not based on that person's wealth or success, only what they will choose based on how I see them. 

1. AMOS HO

Amos has dual Identity Disorder. He's caught between the corporate world and a world he wish he could forever live in. 

BMW 5 SERIES

This is the car he will use for work. He'll hate how this car drives, but he knows the corporate world is very superficial and he'll need to blend in to be good at what he's doing. Probably a 523i simply for the fuel efficiency and cheaper maintenance.

LAND ROVER DEFENDER

Deep down inside he's an adrenaline junkie. Particularly for jungle ravaging. He'll have at home this car. He'll love the feeling of driving at a viewpoint higher than others, and the ability to push other cars out of his way if he so chooses. If this car comes with the 6.5l Twin Turbo, he'll take it. Camo paint? Yes please! This will be his weekend car, with which he'll get himself lost somewhere in the woods and hope Simon would lead him back to civilization. If Simon fails, all the better. 

2. SHERRIE NG

Sherrie hates driving. She'll be happy if she never get to drive anything at all, ever. She likes things that don't surprise, especially in a bad way. She values honesty and practicality in cars so they'll never fail her when she needs it them the most. 

MERCEDES S500

The Merc S500 is reliable. It's luxurious, and it's perfect for her to be driven around with. She'll get the 500 for times when she has to get from place to place like Now. She'll also opt for Silver color, because her father would probably not let her in their house if it wasn't. The Merc S500 is also the symbol of the success, because that matters to her. 

3. CANNESS LEONG

Canness hates driving. Maybe it's a girl thing. She only drive to work and back, and only when nobody's there to drive her around. And when she's driving she adopts a principal of 'Get back Fast So I Can Leave This Thing!'. She can't differentiate between the Honda Camry and Toyota Accord. 

HONDA JAZZ

Simply for the looks and size. She can fit all her shopping stuff in the back, and parking will be a breeze. Maintenance is Okay, and she'll also probably take the Silver because she don't have to wash them all the time. This car will most probably be at home because everyone else will drive her around everywhere. When asked, she'll even tell her friends this car is a Myvi. But what's the difference? They've both got front lights, back lights, four wheels,......

4. HAN JUAN

Somehow Juan strikes me as a person who likes things very very efficient and very very effective. He likes to drive, and would like it more if there was something zippy and agile to work with him from home to Mad Monkeyz or Push More. 

 MINI COOPER S

He'll smile. He likes the 140bhp. Not too powerful, but good for overtaking and getting to places quickly. He don't need good boot  space, and his girlfriend would just have to drive her own car out shopping. This car cuts to the chase, gives him exactly what he wants. And it also looks good with him. He might just opt for the Blackjack Vinyls for added coolness.

5. CHENG LEONG

Lawyer man always travel between office and court, and sometimes getting a decent parking space is difficult. For that, he'll get a car that can attract enough attention so he can get to use special parking lots without jockeys making a fuss. This car would have to be nice enough to make a good impression, and not tell his clients he charges a bomb for services. 

PORSCHE CAYMAN S

I know. Not the best car to tell his clients he's not a cut-throat bastard. He will get it because he now gets to park it next to his bosses' cars, and tell them he's got some attitude. He will get it also because it seats only two. It's okay, as he always goes home for dinner. But he will have it filled with Doraemon designs and stickers, and this will make the car look less than professional.

More after the break.